Is your allyship accidentally performative?

[00:00:18] Chris Angel Murphy: Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening. You are listening to the Allyship is a Verb podcast where we explore and humanize LGBTQ+ allyship. I'm your host, Chris Angel, my pronouns are they/them. On the last episode, we met Tasha.

[00:00:41] Tasha Colin: Hi, my name is Tasha Colin and my pronouns are they/them or she/her.

[00:00:45] Chris Angel Murphy: What's one allyship tip that you'd like for everyone listening to consider?

[00:00:52] Tasha Colin: Honestly, I would love if people wouldn't assume or- I would love for people to ask me what my identities mean for me in order to know how to support me better. Versus maybe hearing how I identify and then assuming certain things. Yet, just asking me how they can support me [Tasha laughs] is supportive. [Tasha laughs]

[00:01:24] Chris Angel Murphy: Yeah, like, what I'm taking away from that is, if you've just shared with me that you have XYZ identities, that rather than me making my own assumptions about what that means, like first, maybe I can thank you for sharing that with me. But also, if I want to have that bid to connect with you, I can also ask like, "Hey, is it is it okay, if I ask you what those mean to you?" Does that kind of sound like what- how you would want folks to react in that situation, or?

[00:01:57] Tasha Colin: Yeah, yeah, I think that's definitely pretty- pretty accurate. What I really want people to think about in terms of allyship is the internal versus external motivation of why they are an ally. I think that's just something I'm trying to, like figure out more, as well is like, I'm an ally to like other identities in the community as well. I think we can all be allies or like active allies, and we can also be better allies to ourselves, I think, in our own identities.

[00:02:34] Chris Angel Murphy: What do you mean by being a better ally toward ourselves or internally? What might that look like?

[00:02:43] Tasha Colin: Um, I run in very queer circles and one of the common threads amongst all of us, I feel like, is this internal monologue of like, "I'm not queer enough, or I'm not this enough." And I think, obviously, that comes from like this internalized, like heteronormativity and cisnormativity. We could do a better job of not being so hard on ourselves. Knowing that, like, we are queer enough, or wherein- we are just enough, basically. Um, I definitely have that in myself, where I'm like, "Oh, I'm not this identity enough or this enough." Really, you know, trying to stop those thought processes and like, take a step back and be like, "I am enough."

[00:03:31] Chris Angel Murphy: Tasha snuck in a few tips there. Though, I feel most inspired to address performative allyship. The truth is, we've probably all done this at some point. And performative allyship can be really harmful. And while I think businesses have some of the best examples of this, individual people can do it, too. The way I've come to understand performative allyship is it's like believing it's cool to say "Happy Pride to all of my friends!" on a social media post with respective hashtags. But then voting for anti-LGBTQ+ politicians. Someone may say, "Oh, yeah, my cousin's gay," then not speak out when people say something harmful at work. Which I also say, did you just out your cousin? Did you have their permission to out them? I can't even with that. But that's another story.

[00:04:32] Chris Angel Murphy: All of that to say, people might pick and choose when allyship is maybe convenient to them and especially if it can potentially earn them points for, quote, unquote, being on the right side of history. And I think this is important, too, because if someone's an ally, but then they're also partaking in things that are harmful to the community that they're attempting to practice allyship with, they are leaders and It may show other people that it's okay to do those actions, too. And now I'd like to play another clip from last week's episode.

[00:05:10] Tasha Colin: I was having a conversation with like, a person- a friend of mine, who is both cisgender and straight. And they were explaining to me that, you know, their boyfriend is not homophobic. Like, she was very, like, surprised that like, he didn't have any homophobia in him. I was like, "Okay, great." You know, but then in my mind, I was like, you know, that's the bare minimum.

[00:05:40] Chris Angel Murphy: This speaks to a larger issue and that sometimes, the company we keep isn't the best company. I know people who have dated folks with homophobic beliefs or use slurs regularly directed at the LGBTQ+ community. The friend or family member tries to assure me and vouch for them by saying "no, but really, they're an ally, I swear!" You can't say that someone's an ally and then also share with me about how they use slurs or phrases like "that's so gay." And that's what's shocking here is that the friend or family member might try to explain it away. There is no explaining, other than that isn't allyship.

[00:06:30] Chris Angel Murphy: With a business or company, this can look like turning their logo to rainbow colors for June, to celebrate Pride Month, but then disappearing for the rest of the year. Having a progressive pride flag or HRC equality sticker in the window, but misgendering someone within five minutes of them entering your store. There's companies who have stolen work from LGBTQ+ artists and turn around and sell it in their chain stores. This all continues to happen and it's not okay; there's countless examples.

[00:07:08] Chris Angel Murphy: So I guess what I'm getting at here is that if you want to call yourself an ally, think about your commitment. What are you willing to do? And how are you willing to show up for the community? It's okay, if you're not the kind of person who marches in the streets, chains yourself to a fence, or participates in phone banking. Those kinds of activities aren't for everyone. Focus on being consistent. Keep learning and be open to feedback as part of that process. It's challenging summarizing all of my thoughts around performative allyship within one ten minute episode.

[00:07:51] Chris Angel Murphy: So for now, I will leave you with some self-journaling prompts:

1. Have I been told that my allyship is performative?

2. Are my actions and words consistent with how I want to show up as an ally?

3. What am I willing to do for the LGBTQ+ community?

4. What are boundaries I have for myself?

5. How can I push past any discomfort or tension of allyship?

6. Who are some other allies I can engage with and talk to if and when things get hard?

7. Where do I get my allyship ideas and tips from? Are they people with that lived experience?

[00:08:47] Chris Angel Murphy: Although it's a little early, I wanted to let y'all know that I'm going to be taking a break for the month of December and will not be releasing any episodes. I'll be back Tuesday, January 4. That said, I'm also always looking for new people to interview with various lived experiences from the LGBTQ+ community. So, please get in touch with me. You can reach out on Instagram, Twitter, or LinkedIn, all of which are available and linked to from AllyshipIsaVerb.com. Just go to the website scroll all the way down and you'll see the links to my social media.

[00:09:26] Chris Angel Murphy: Visit AllyshipIsaVerb.com for any resources and a full transcript of the episode and please consider sharing this podcast with your networks so it can grow. Thanks for practicing allyship with me.