What are rolling pronouns? Are there questions you shouldn't ask trans people?

[00:00:17] Chris Angel Murphy: Thanks for listening to Allyship is a Verb, the LGBTQ+ podcast that explores and humanize this practicing allyship for the LGBTQ+ community and beyond. I'm the host, Chris Angel, and my pronouns are they/them. On the last episode, we met Zoa.

[00:00:41] Zoa Glows: Hi, my name is Zoa and my pronouns are she/they/he.

[00:00:46] Chris Angel Murphy: What's one allyship tip you'd like for everyone listening to consider?

[00:00:52] Zoa Glows: My ally tip is to pause and ask yourself, "will my compliments, questions, and language uplift this individual? Or could they possibly cause them discomfort or harm?" Because each of those things- compliments, questions, a lot of questions have called caused me harm and discomfort and a lot of language has caused me harm and discomfort. But on the flip side, a lot of it has uplifted me. So if you are willing, and you're wanting to uplift me, that's what I would love. Uplift me and make me feel like you see me and so: pause. Before you say something and think about those things and I think that people could possibly feel a little safer in approaching if they pause to think about whether they're gonna hurt me or not.

[00:01:39] Chris Angel Murphy: Based on the previous episode, there are two places I wanted to take us. One is a bit of a journey through pronouns and the other is related to questions that are NOT okay to ask people who are transgender.

[00:01:54] Chris Angel Murphy: As a reminder, at the time of recording this, Zoa uses she/they/he pronouns. When someone uses multiple sets of pronouns AND encourages mixing them around, this is typically called rolling pronouns. Rolling pronouns are when you rotate through all of the sets the person uses. This could be within the same sentence, from sentence to sentence, or conversation to conversation. Basically, every opportunity you reference them. You can ask the person directly to give you an example.

[00:02:29] Chris Angel Murphy: How do you know when someone uses multiple pronoun sets? Well, you can check their social media bios, their email signatures, or any place where their name might be. When you see that someone uses more than one set, it's okay to ask them how they'd like for you to use the various sets. Sometimes people do want you to use the first set the most, sometimes they don't. Everyone is different and that's a really beautiful thing. It's not rude to ask, you're seeking clarity and honoring them.

[00:03:01] Chris Angel Murphy: If someone says they use she/her, or she/her/hers pronouns, then you know they are only using one set. You may also see someone include additional pronouns in another language. It doesn't mean you have to use it unless they ask you to, because it just might mean that they are bilingual and maybe work with folks who speak that language.

[00:03:23] Chris Angel Murphy: If you're super new to pronouns in this way, I get it. This can feel like a lot and be overwhelming. However, practice is your biggest friend, as well as checking in with the person whether they are a friend, family member, or coworker.

[00:03:41] Chris Angel Murphy: Some pronoun tips to honor people in your life:

Share your pronouns in places like your social media bios, LinkedIn, email signatures, virtual meetings, after your name, and when you introduce yourself.

Ask the person directly how they want you to use their pronouns, especially when there are multiple sets.

Check in with that person on roughly a quarterly basis. Ask if anything has changed around their pronouns, especially if you don't have access to a space to see if they've updated or changed their pronouns.

Ask if there are any exceptions, including certain spaces or people when they may want you to use a different set.

Apologize and practice if you are making mistakes around pronouns. You won't get better unless you practice.

[00:04:37] Chris Angel Murphy: Although I talked about this a bit on Zoa's episode, I'm going to expand more on questions not to ask people who are transgender. When I'm hired to provide trans 101 types of training sessions, I explained the three buckets of transgender transition. Not everyone feels the need or has access to transition, though these are three areas or buckets in no particular order:

Medical

Legal

Social

The first two buckets are OFF LIMITS. For medical people's minds tend to go directly to items like various surgeries or hormones. Unless you're working with an individual on these items directly, there's no need to ask. This also covers topics like someone's sex assigned at birth. For legal, this includes someone's birth name, legal name, and sex or gender marker on various documents, such as a state identification card. It's also none of your business. There's very few instances in which it would be, so for the general public, [Chris Angel sings] no, no, no. A little Amy for you [Chris Angel laughs]

[00:05:56] Chris Angel Murphy: Then there's social- this is a safer bucket. Typically, social transition may mean someone's name or pronouns, how they knew they were trans, who they're out to, if they're out or invite people in. There can be lots of boundaries here. However, it's okay to ask someone, what name you should use for them and what their pronouns are.

[00:06:21] Chris Angel Murphy: Let me be clear, not any previous names, especially if it's their birth name, also referred to sometimes as a deadname. However, social bucket kinds of questions are a bit safer to ask. Everyone's gonna have their own boundaries, and they should be respected.

[00:06:43] Chris Angel Murphy: Another example is seeing any quote unquote, before photos. This is also really not okay, because that's not honoring the individual for who they are today. However, some people, this will be fine and they would be happy to show you. It really just depends, because each person is so different. So consider these some general tips that can help you stay in the right direction.

[00:07:10] Chris Angel Murphy: It's also important to honor the relationship. Is this a colleague? Probably not appropriate to be talking about, especially at work. Is this a friend, is this a close friend? Is this a family member? Let's remember that this can be really personal, really invasive and we don't always need to understand someone in order to love them and support them.

[00:07:35] Chris Angel Murphy: So remember, these tips are not all encompassing. They're not going to apply to everyone. However, hopefully it gives you a chance to think before you may ask someone, if this is something that's serving your curiosity, or if it's something that would actually be supportive.

[00:07:54] Chris Angel Murphy: For self-reflection, Zoa asked the first question perfectly:

[Zoa Glows' voice clip] Will my compliments, questions, and language uplift this individual? Or could they possibly cause them discomfort or harm?

Is this serving my own curiosity?

Is it important for the work that we're doing together?

Is there a trusted resource where I could learn about my question?

Do I need to know this about the individual in order to support and/or love them?

[00:08:35] Chris Angel Murphy: So, that's it for this mini episode. I hope you'll consider asking yourself those questions before you ask us questions. And if you liked the bucket example, talking about trans folks and how we might transition, be sure to check out my Instagram page @gendersexualityinfo for a graphic post I created that you can share out. And also, just see, you know, this podcast is now available on Apple. So, if that is your preferred way to listen, now you can.

[00:09:09] Chris Angel Murphy: Visit AllyshipIsAVerb.com for any resources and a full transcript of the episode. Thank you for practicing allyship with me and please give this podcast a review on Apple podcasts.