Calling in conversations and tips for bridging generations

Chris Angel Murphy: Welcome to Allyship is a Verb, the LGBTQ+ podcast that explores and humanizes practicing allyship for the LGBTQ+ community and beyond. I'm the host, Chris Angel and my pronouns are they/them. Each episode will either be a quick tip to practice allyship or a longer episode to pass the mic to someone else to help keep the conversation intersectional. This week is a mini-episode.

Chris Angel Murphy: On the last episode, we met Coco.

Coco Peru: Hello my darlings, it's Coco Peru and my pronouns are she/her, he/him.

Chris Angel Murphy: What's one- and there's so many to choose from. But, I'm wondering what's at least one allyship tip that you'd like for everyone listening to consider?

Coco Peru: What's important is the story. And so I would encourage that part of allyship be don't always judge a person on what they are presenting, but listen to their story. Because the story is where it's rich and the story is where you're going to connect with that person. The person that might appear so different from you, might actually be your greatest ally. So I think that for me, was the biggest lesson in creating Coco.

Chris Angel Murphy: A note at the top here that what I'm sharing in this episode may sound specific for those of us in the LGBTQ+ community, however, I believe what I'm sharing can be applied in other areas in our lives.

Something interesting for me to digest after these first two guest episodes with Shane Whalley and Coco Peru is this idea of passing the torch to future generations and what happens when our language, stories, and lives overall are potentially lost. I'm thinking of folks from younger generations who were possibly born into "we don't say this" and may not understand the nuance of why someone older may embrace or reclaim language, as an example. Sometimes we don't know what we don't know, and it doesn't help that our history is not taught in schools. Sometimes we simply miss things, even if we are closely following current events in the LGBTQ+ community.

Both Shane and Coco have experienced being called out or called in in ways that felt painful to them. That's what I heard, at least. Being held accountable can be humbling. What I took from these conversations was it felt as if those accountability moments didn't also consider their individual long-time commitments to our community. That it was as if there was no consideration for the marching, the education, and everything they've done leading up to the moment they were called in or out. That perhaps their character was solely being judged on this one moment. Because of all of the lives we lose each year, especially trans women of color, it can feel like a miracle to have role models or elders to look up to at all. I do agree it's important to hold each other accountable and collectively do better. What I'm proposing, and what was also shared by my guests, was to be open to having a conversation.

Here's an example of how this could look. It could be something like, "hey there. I saw you use a word in a post that I've been taught isn't appropriate to use anymore. I'd like to have a conversation with you about it so I can better understand and also offer my perspective." That's a bid to connect. If and when the conversation happens, I'd then give the person an opportunity to share their usage of the word and why. This is hard because it's requiring us to be open to that person's experience and reasoning for using it, so that we're not automatically placing a story on them. We could have it wrong, of which has certainly happened to me. And even if our story checks out, we can still approach it with compassion and say, "This is what I heard, do I have it right?" And paraphrase what you heard to check for understanding. You can then move to, "This is why I do not use this word and some of the history." Or, "I have a resource that can better explain my stance. I'd like to share it with you, if that's OK."

This is certainly one approach and I'd be curious how it works out for folks, should you try it. I'm not saying we have to treat people like they cannot handle or be open to feedback. I'm suggesting a shift for the approach so that we are potentially more open, more curious, and focused on connecting. And if the person you're holding accountable isn't open to a conversation, well, that's going to happen sometimes. You can decide what you're going to do at that point. And then you can know you did your piece and move on. Have conversations with the people who are open to it, like Shane and Coco. You may be surprised with who is open to conversation.

The tension I'm holding is for the elders who have paved the way for where we're at today and for the younger generations wanting to continue to push forward so that future youth can continue to, and ideally, have it easier and easier. Given that there's always a cause to fight for, my hope is that all generations within the LGBTQ+ community can agree on this at the bare minimum.

What I'm addressing today is my belief that there have to be better ways of keeping our own community accountable. This includes respecting our elders and how they've paved the way to where we are today and also acknowledging and valuing the contributions of the younger generations. The world I want to live in is where we offer a connection and a conversation, especially if we disagree with each other within the community, and my gosh.. do we. How lovely is it that we can challenge each other in this way with the overarching goal of doing better by all. To me, this is a strong bond and a strength I want to lean into.

What I feel moved to share is that while I believe we should hold each other accountable, I hope we can do so with care. If we correct someone, that we may do so with empathy, compassion, and with the opportunity to have a conversation.

Because Coco's tip mentioned listening to people's stories, here are some related prompts for self-journaling and self-reflecting. These are specific to building a bridge and learning another's story.

Have you built any bridges to connect with people of different generations?

Are there voices not being heard or included at events you attend?

Is there an LGBTQ+ archive near you? Sometimes they can be dedicated to specific sub-groups. You may find them on college campuses or private collections. There are lots of ways to get involved like looking through their collection, scheduling a tour, attending events, volunteering, and donating financially or pieces to sustain and grow the history for years to come.

Have you read any autobiographies? Poetry books or other media published or released by community members? If you are within the LGBTQ+ community, do you know your own history connected to your identities? An archive or library may be able to guide you or offer support.

Do you know the stories of any elders, specifically? There are history projects recording stories, such as The Lavender Effect®'s oral history project. There's also projects like theaidsmemorial account on Instagram.

Does your local LGBTQ+ center, if you have one, offer any programming where generations or people of various backgrounds can come together? Are there other community organizations? There may be volunteer roles or ways to simply connect. For example, helping to organize a LGBTQ+ conference.

Does your local pride event intentionally find ways to bring people together? Since pride has become so commercialized over the years, I'm wondering about programming that helps us to learn more about each other, ourselves, and offer opportunities for connection.

Visit AllyshipIsAVerb.com for any resources and a full transcript of the episode. Thank you for practicing allyship with me. Please follow and share this episode with someone else. And remember, sometimes allyship means listening to our stories.