[00:00:00] Chris Angel Murphy: Well, hello there. I'm Chris Angel, and my pronouns are they/them. Welcome to Allyship is a Verb, a podcast for people practicing allyship for the LGBTQ+ community and beyond!

[00:00:25] Maze Felix: Hi there, I'm Maze Felix. My pronouns are they/them.

[00:00:29] Chris Angel Murphy: Maze is a badass friend of mine who lives in Los Angeles. They are an actor, poet, ice cream, cow, and Guinea pig lover, hiker, and so much more. We chat about how we met during our conversation, so I'll skip that for now so we can hop right to it.

Here are some self-reflection questions to think about during the convo. Be sure to stay after for three more.

1. When was the last time I shared some of my identities out loud? How did that feel?

2. Would I ever date someone who is trans, nonbinary, or gender expansive? Why or why not?

3. What's something about one of my identities that I feel I have to explain to people often? How do I feel about feeling pressured to explain that?

And now our conversation.

Perfect. I love that you wave, too.

[00:01:34] Maze Felix: Oh. (laughs)

[00:01:35] Chris Angel Murphy: That's fucking adorable.

[00:01:36] Maze Felix: I do that all the time. Actually, that was like muscle memory. Like I always do that for every self-tape.

[00:01:42] Chris Angel Murphy: I love it. I, I think it's adorable. So thank you for that cute little moment.

[00:01:48] Maze Felix: You literally just told me that my face would not be shown, but -

[00:01:53] Chris Angel Murphy: That is okay.

You are polyamorous, queer, trans, nonbinary, and an AAPI, Chinese transracial adoptee. So many things!

[00:02:06] Maze Felix: Yeah. (laughs)

[00:02:06] Chris Angel Murphy: Whew, taking a breath. What do those intersections mean to you?

[00:02:13] Maze Felix: Hearing this out loud is - usually I'm the one saying it to people, and so it's one of the first times that someone else is saying my own identities back to me. Honestly, it feels really good to hear it, because they are all equally important to me, and I think throughout my life I had focused on each of them individually and recently I think I've been able to really find that balance of the true intersectionality of all of them.

Just the nuance of being queer, trans, nonbinary, and then an AAPI transracial adoptee. That leads into how I've lived my life and I've reflected on what that meant. And I think being nonbinary with gender has also reflected in how I've lived my life culturally too.

I think, culturally, I've just been nonbinary in a way where I grew up with a white family, in a white world, and I felt a lot of imposter syndrome with my identity - culturally linguistically - where I didn't know how to fit in with the white world. But I also so desperately wanted to connect with my culture, and I couldn't because I felt so assimilated as well.

And so I learned how to code-switch so easily. Code-switching is, different. It's dependent on which setting I'm in. The root of code-switching is very ableist. It's the idea of masking to be able to fit into an environment. For me personally, racially and culturally, I visibly look Chinese; I look AAPI. But I grew up in a white environment.

I learned how to code-switch and mask by matching the mannerisms of the white people and white folks around me. Even though, visibly, I looked like I did not belong, in terms of gender and sexuality, I had learned to code-switch on how to talk and interact with cis, straight folks.

I don't like to subscribe to code-switching anymore because also being neurodivergent and having ADHD, like, I think that actually drains me a lot - in the last 10 years of my life, even, even in the last five years, really exploring my gender and sexuality, but even more so my gender with being trans, nonbinary. And so just that identity was very nonbinary for me: I wasn't either/or. And I thought, throughout my life, that I had to choose one or the other. And then I've learned to understand more about my cultural identity as well, being a transracial adoptee.

So with my gender, I'm trans nonbinary. I think I actually wanna share this: that I've been exploring a little bit with gender fluidity. Specifically with nonbinary, there's multiple ways to be nonbinary and within, like, the nonbinary galaxy (laughs) there's multiple, multiple ways. And when I first came out as nonbinary, I felt like I went from one box to another box where there were expectations of how to be nonbinary, but that was really just me limiting myself and continuing that notion that I had to choose one or the other.

My upbringing even influenced how I explore gender. In the last few years, now I've come out as trans nonbinary, I've had top surgery, I'm on T. My voice has been changing in the last year and a half since I've been on T. My body feels really different and euphoric.

But even so, like I have wanted to still embrace the fluidity of my existence. I've noticed that pre-T, I would often feel like I had to "prove" being nonbinary and, where I would almost subscribe to gender norms and gender expression norms and expectations, and I would dress more masculine. But being on T has actually made me wanna re-explore my femininity again.

That has taught me, with my cultural identity, I can explore something culturally. I can explore my Chinese culture and my Chinese language and go back to my roots. But where I feel like nonbinary the most is being a transracial adoptee. So I don't necessarily have to choose the white world. I don't have to choose the AAPI world because I'm not one or the other. I am all of them.

Being polyamorous has also been such a loving and healing part of this journey as well. I have three partners, all who are also trans. And so I'm in T4T4T4T relationships, (both laugh) and all of them, all of them are beautifully trans; our gender expressions, just vary among the whole galaxy of expressions and I love when I get to see someone else explore, right next to me, like their own gender, and then see their euphoria, that's euphoric for me. And to be able to do that with multiple people, that also is nonbinary. Because polyamory, you don't have to choose one person.

I have the capacity to love and care deeply about multiple people. So even in my relationships with people romantically and with friends, like I don't have to be binary.

[00:08:32] Chris Angel Murphy: "Trans for trans" - "T4T." So I've seen that in discourse as a way of trans people claiming that they would rather focus on those kinds of romantic and sexual relationships because of any number of reasons, but I think some of the larger reasons being that they don't want to have to educate folks who are cis, like how - or cisgender - how to treat them; or have those like crunchy conversations. Like, there's just like an ease that can occur and unlock in a relationship between two trans people.

And sometimes there's like beautiful things I've heard from my friends; there's an element of honoring each other and validating each other's genders and sexuality in a way that maybe they've never even experienced before.

So I'm curious, like was that something you. Intentionally seeking out or just did you end up just like T4T4T...? (laughs)

[00:09:40] Maze Felix: (laughs) Yeah. The short answer to a long answer is that no, I was not intentionally looking for T for T relationships, but the fact that all my partners are trans makes me feel so safe. I think, in the past I have been in relationships with cis folks and not only was my identity not necessarily respected or honored, but also my body wasn't necessarily respected or honored in a way that felt affirming and safe to me.

I do wanna preface that like I do recognize that there are several cis folks who are doing the work, who are educating themselves, who practice allyship with their friends, their family, and their even their partners.

I have not always had that safe experience with cis folks that I interacted with romantically and intimately. That led to a lot of dysphoria with myself and even, actually, delays with me deciding that I wanted to transition before I even decided to pursue top surgery, which I had in 2020, in the midst of the first year of the pandemic.

I often received comments about my body during intimate moments in a way that I felt pressured to choose not to transition. They often came across as compliments, even medically with HRT and when I came back from surgery in 2020, it was about a month recovery, and I was separated from my partner at the time.

There was a lot of grief coming from my partner when I came back from surgery where I focused a lot on her feelings of grief. That made me feel very fearful and hesitant of how my body would change even during recovery, not only from the surgery, but even just like, while I was recovering and how, how it would evolve as I built up strength again. It was really painful for me to witness this person grieving someone that isn't me and not celebrating the person that I truly am. That was painful.

And then it was also painful because I put my own celebration for myself on the back burner. At the time I did, I truly did care about my partner. I didn't wanna invalidate her feelings about my transition, and I knew that it was a transition for her, but I think I didn't put who I was first.

I just so happened to have connected with folks who are trans and that is just really healing, really great for my emotional wellbeing. They all are so incredibly different from one another.

One of my partners, I got to go through their top surgery experience. I wasn't with them in person, but I got to talk with them every day on the phone and text with them back and forth. And this was actually before we were officially partners; we were talking and we were connecting. And now that we are partners, we kind of like look back and we see that as kind of a full circle moment.

It was incredibly special and empowering for them, for their own personal reasons, but for me, I felt so honored that as someone who has gone through the experience of top surgery, now I get to witness someone else going through something that I went through a couple years ago; and I, I actually experienced a lot of euphoria just seeing someone else have their own experience. Just being able to share that joy.

And there's a level of nuance that I do not have to explain ever to my partners, even though they do have different identities from me outside of being trans. They do have their own experiences, their own life outside of me. We can just look at one another and we know exactly what we're talking about in terms of our trans identities. And if we have to talk about it, we talk about it in a way where we just embrace each other.

One of my other partners is also going through their journey as well and exploring. And to see everyone and kind of relive it and, and stand next to them, and feel pride for all of us, while being polyamorous; there's so much compersion that's happening among us. Yeah, it's healing, it's empowering, and it feels just really great, honestly, (laughs) to put it in simple terms.

[00:14:44] Chris Angel Murphy: I feel it over here. (laughs) Uh, yeah. I've also been in relationships that didn't feel great and because this was earlier in my timeline, and earlier before we started to have anywhere near the amount of resources we do now - this was much closer to the early two thousands and even the early 2010s - I stayed in relationships well past their expiration date because I thought, "Well, no one's gonna love me for me, so if this person does, I can't lose them, or -" there are a lot of stories I told myself that weren't true, but I believed them. They were (laughs) for the period that I believed them.

And yeah, I'm, I'm just thinking back to when I had shared about - with a particular partner - that I was gonna be having top surgery. Like she was not supportive, initially because she was worried about how she liked my chest as it was, and she was, she was worried about her attraction to me and things. And it's like, I don't know what the answer is here, but there were just a lot of times in that relationship in particular that I felt like I had to help her along in her journey, when really I should have set a boundary for myself and expressed that I needed her to go seek that support elsewhere.

Cause for example, this is a more clear example, you know, she didn't share publicly about us in terms of like my identity and stuff. She like let people assume I was her boyfriend and I was going by a different name and all this stuff we won't have time for today (laughs) but you know, this went on for years. I could never fucking do that again. Like never, I could never put myself through that again.

And - yeah, when I think about most of the relationships I've been in, almost all of them, I'm their first queer person or first queer relationship, or I'm their first trans or nonbinary person. And like, it's just a lot because, while there's hopefully research and exploring and everything that they're doing on their own, there's just like conversations I'm tired of having with my partners.

And that's different from like boundaries, consent, et cetera, "What do we want this relationship to look like?" But yeah, to just keep, you know, like "What is tops surgery?" Or just like going back to these like very basic concepts or like - although it's work I do in my professional life, I don't necessarily want to have these kinds of conversations where I'm doing this emotional labor for free in, like, my personal relationships.

It's one thing if like my friends are coming to me cause they're like, actually I'm exploring my gender. Cause then I'm like, "Fuck yeah, let's talk about it. This is great!" You know? But I know for me, when I had top surgery, one of the things that felt really important was to educate people as it was happening. And I kind of felt like I had to also, because I had to have a fundraiser, so I felt like I had to give people something in return - even though I could have just accepted the support and not felt like I needed to return anything to anybody.

But I thought, again, you know, this was early 2010, so if - the early 2010s - if I take people through this journey with me, you know, hopefully it'll help me to shield myself from having to answer these questions off guard and also do education. But yeah, like I just feel like, especially now, if this were a thing that was coming up for me again, I, I'd just do it differently.

But jumping into another tangent; (both laugh) wait, there's more. I'm wondering, for you, I know for me with top surgery, it was really important to have people celebrate with me and to just be supportive. Anyone who had offered time to drop in and visit with me, help like cook or whatever, you know, just spend time with me - it was so incredibly appreciated. Everyone who donated, I was so grateful; and everyone who shared like the fundraiser, I was so grateful. But I guess was there anything in particular that felt very supportive to you going through that process?

[00:19:03] Maze Felix: If I had done it now, this year, I would've celebrated it so differently than how I did it in 2020. 2020, I had recently come out a couple years before as trans nonbinary, but only to chosen family and trusted people in my life. It was also covid. I was also in an abusive relationship. There were a lot of reasons for me to lean towards secrecy with my transition.

So what I did that year was I made a GoFundMe. It was one of the first times I humbled myself and I asked for help. I grew up believing in the notion that like asking for help was weak. You know, having to unpack that a lot, especially during transition and in such a vulnerable, experience and moment in my life, just that experience -

I made a GoFundMe. I made a secret Instagram account where I shared with friends at the time what I was doing. I was living in Ohio, Midwest, Ohio. My one goal was I did not want to have surgery anywhere near my partner at the time, which says a lot with my current relationship at the time, I did not wanna be anywhere near my partner. I did not wanna be anywhere that could give reason for my parents to come visit me.

I had chosen family in the Bay Area and I was connected to them by a chosen family in Ohio, and that's how California became my second home. That's the start of how California became my second home.

And through connections with folks in California, I found a surgeon in San Diego. I actually flew out on my own, not knowing these people at all, and flew out for an entire month. I did not tell my parents where I was going. I did not tell them I was even traveling, but I announced it on my secret Instagram that I had this GoFundMe. This was what I needed and wanted to do. It was a life-saving procedure for me. I had to do it.

I had this opportunity in the middle of Covid. I understood the risks that I was taking, and so I flew out. I had to quarantine with everyone that I was staying with, but I stayed and recovered in San Diego for about a month. And so how I celebrated was just - or how people celebrated me, actually, was keeping me safe, keeping me - the anonymity of what was happening in my life.

They were able to reach out to me. I was able to be as open as I wanted to on that Instagram, but that's a private account still, and I still have everything documented. I would share things either weekly or if it was early on, it would've been daily how I was doing in my stories or my posts. So I felt very supported by the people that were keeping me safe.

I had a lot of grief surrounding not feeling safe to tell family, or even family friends because of that connection. Like knowing that I could trust people to keep me safe, it allowed me to build community. And then, eventually as I found the confidence to be open with who I was, I eventually came out the next year to my family, very unapologetically actually, and it became very public.

I look back and I'm like, I would've never known that I was the most secretive person ever with my identity on social media. Even how I talk with people, I feel like I'm very open with who I am, and I'm very proud with all my identities and my transition.

[00:23:03] Chris Angel Murphy: And how do you like to celebrate people on that journey when you learn about it, for them?

[00:23:10] Maze Felix: I like to honor them however they wanna be honored. So I think that really depends on each individual experience.

But the most recent person was my partner, actually. And what I did, this was something I really wanted to do as even just a friend, but now I got to do it as a partner. So there's this company that I have collaborated with that has gender neutral swimwear, and I've been able to rep for them and wear their products. I bought one of their swimsuits, their trunks, the partner that just had surgery a few months ago. I bought one for them and then I bought a matching set for me.

[00:23:49] Chris Angel Murphy: Aw.

[00:23:50] Maze Felix: Recently we took a gender affirming photo shoot. This weekend we're actually gonna go to the beach and I think we're gonna be able to swim for the first time together and just to like see each other, be free with our chests in the middle of the ocean. And this partner is a Pisces, so water is everything to them. I think like being able to see. Free in the ocean is how I wanna celebrate them.

But yeah, with each person it's different. I like to ask them how they like to be celebrated, cause some people, you know, they wanna be celebrated by getting a coffee, by talking to me how their experience went, posting something and having someone like and comment. It can be different, but whatever feels euphoric to someone, that's how I wanna give back to them.

[00:24:38] Chris Angel Murphy: I love that, and picking one of those threads - cause I love all of those ideas you shred - I know that's something I've really appreciated is when I've shared that I have hesitations around going shortlist to the beach, I've had friends offer to go with me and that's probably one of the most loving things someone could do in that situation for me. I haven't taken anyone up on it yet cause I'm still working through my own stuff. I aspire to get there someday.

But yeah, when I think of a bunch of baddies who've had, you know, whatever top surgery running around the ocean, free just like tapping into that euphoria. That just makes me so happy. And switching gears a bit, reminds me of your Target ad, which was fucking huge.

[00:25:24] Maze Felix: Yes.

[00:25:24] Chris Angel Murphy: I was so fucking excited for you. Like one of the funny things for me is like anytime, especially being from LA, anytime I'm friends with someone who's like, doing modeling, acting and stuff. They're always like, "I have something really cool coming, but I can't tell anyone." And I'm like, "God, this is awful. Like I just wanna like see whatever it is."

But yeah. Can you tell us about the Target ad and what that meant to you?

[00:25:46] Maze Felix: Yeah, I mean, everything that you were saying, I was just thinking of Target. That was in my mind - well, before I get to Target, wanted to say: if you, whenever you are ready, whenever the time comes, and when you also visit the West Coast or I visit you, I would love to have that opportunity to be one of the people who get to have that euphoric, topless, beach moment.

[00:26:10] Chris Angel Murphy: Thank you. I appreciate that.

[00:26:12] Maze Felix: Yeah.

[00:26:12] Chris Angel Murphy: I'll, I'll have to come to you cause I need a proper beach.

[00:26:15] Maze Felix: The West Coast beach.

[00:26:15] Chris Angel Murphy: I, I don't want the lakes, (Maze laughs) I - lakes are not beaches. I'm sorry. Fight me on that. Like, I need an ocean. (laughs)

[00:26:21] Maze Felix: I absolutely concur because someone who grew up in Cleveland, Ohio, next to Lake Erie, I now know what a proper beach is. (Chris Angel laughs) Yeah.

[00:26:29] Chris Angel Murphy: Yeah.

[00:26:30] Maze Felix: Absolutely.

[00:26:30] Chris Angel Murphy: I don't - and I'm, I'm sorry to Josée, Josée and I have had like little friend playful fights about this - like I just: the beach to me, needs an ocean. I, growing up in LA that's all I've known, so I, I didn't realize that lakes could also be beaches. Technically, technically, it's fine. (both laugh)

Anyway, yes, Target ad. Tell us all about it.

[00:26:52] Maze Felix: Target was actually - well, there were two things that were pretty, pretty monumental for me when I first moved to LA: it was Target, and then also my first hike here. And this morning I told you that I went on a hike this morning with one of my friends and I actually took him to the first place I hiked topless. So the timing actually is really beautiful.

So that was the first hike. It was three weeks into living here, and it was the first time I was ever topless. Even in Ohio, after my surgery, I never felt safe enough to be topless. But when I moved to LA I felt, I felt safe right after I took that shirt off.

But then Target happened a couple months later. I had no idea that I was going to be in the Target commercial until I was pretty much on set. The process of choosing what to wear, that part was - what to wear, even my hair, working with the makeup department, that was - I mean, thinking back on it now, that changed my life. Because, as an actor, it was one of the first bigger projects I got to be a part of.

The whole experience was so affirming and supportive. The costume department, they had called me a couple weeks before the shoot and even a couple weeks before the fitting, and they asked me what I was comfortable wearing. It was for the Target pride commercial, and we had to wear a lot of swimwear and summer wear, both with target products and then also small business products.

One of the products that we had to wear were swimsuits, swimwear. Which directed me to the gender neutral swimwear company that I collaborated with. I had told them, I was like, "You know, I have had top surgery. I wanna be transparent with you. I'm not comfortable wearing bikinis, but I'm comfortable being topless. I can wear one piece, or I can wear swim trunks." And the person was so lovely. They were like, "Oh, you are giving me so many options. I love this. This is so fluid. I already have all these ideas for you."

They brought me to set for the fitting the next week, and I saw all the options and out of those options, I got to choose which one felt the best for me. I genuinely fell in love with these gender neutral swimwear because I also am a very petite, small being. So finding gender neutral swim trunks has been hard for me because I'm just really short and these trunks fit like a glove to me, and they felt so affirming on me.

And so when I got on set a couple weeks later when we were actually shooting, I started off wearing a shirt over it throughout the day. We were doing different takes, and so for part of it I was wearing a shirt. And then it came to the part where we had to swim in the ocean and that's when I decided. I was like, "Okay, I can still wear the shirt if I want to, or I can take it off and actually swim in the ocean, how I wanna swim in the ocean."

Granted, it was really cold. It was about 7:00 PM seven where we, when we started. So I also was aware that I was going to freeze, (Chris Angel laughs) but this was, this was a Pride commercial. This was also one of the first times Target even had someone representing top surgery scars.

[00:30:35] Chris Angel Murphy: Mm-hmm.

[00:30:36] Maze Felix: And so there were a lot of thoughts happening in my head about: do I feel safe enough on set? Is this the first time that Target is doing this? Is this my responsibility to represent this?

It came down to just how do I wanna authentically represent myself and do I feel safe enough. Everyone was kind of hyping me up. Additionally, we also were with hair and makeup ,and the hair and makeup people were so incredibly generous as well. My hair was really long at the time too, and I was craving to get a haircut at that time.

And so when I got to hair, the hair department, they asked me, "How do you wanna style your hair today?" Meaning, you know, I could have had it curled, I could have straightened it. And I just put it out there very, very casually, "Oh, okay, eventually this year I do wanna get it cut; I wanna cut it shorter."

I tend to be a person, like I said, I'm very fluid. I love my hair super, super short, super long, anywhere in between; love playing with it all. So I just so happened to have had it very long for quite a while and was ready to cut it short. She told me, she was like, "Well, I mean we can ask the producers and see what they say, but I could just cut it short for you now on set."

And my hair was down to like past my ribs and I wanted it pretty short. And I was pretty skeptical if it would get approved or if we had enough time. She went and asked the producers and they were like, "You know what if Maze wants to cut their hair and that's how they feel their authentic selves, then have them cut their hair. Like, we can wait a little bit longer."

And so I got to cut my hair and it was chin length; that's how I wanted it at the time. I cut a good 10 inches off. And so that kind of like, pushed me in the direction of feeling safer and more affirming. And once I had a big reveal on set with my hair, with everyone, I can't quite pinpoint the exact moment, but I remember just throughout the day of like, "Okay, this is building up. My confidence is building up. We're in California, we're on a Pride commercial set, like I am on a team with mostly all queer and many who are trans as well, folks, I have a team who can support me."

I got to be topless for Target and not only be topless on a set, but then the commercial itself to see myself for one of the first things that I did as an actor. I got to see myself on screen topless. So not to be cheesy and all pun, but like I felt a lot of pride for that Pride commercial and I felt honored to have that privilege and opportunity to do that and to just live my life.

[00:33:35] Chris Angel Murphy: I was so fucking excited for you cause like you said, it's just not something we're used to seeing on tv. And if we do, there's always like the moment of, "Oh god, you know, I hope they weren't tokenized." And so to hear some of the behind the scenes, which we can't always hear about, and to hear how much care there were at different key moments in particular, makes me really happy. Because having had folks on before, like we know that even just - and I don't know what they're called cause I'm not an actor - but like when they're sending out for casting, like, "We need someone who fits this description." Like -

[00:34:10] Maze Felix: Mm-hmm.

[00:34:10] Chris Angel Murphy: Especially if they even are trying to cast for folks who are queer and trans, like I know they can like really mess up the verbiage.

[00:34:18] Maze Felix: Mm-hmm.

[00:34:19] Chris Angel Murphy: Really limit the experience of what it means to be nonbinary and only seek out certain people - and certain people that we may already see representing. I'm thinking thin, white.

[00:34:33] Maze Felix: Mm-hmm.

[00:34:34] Chris Angel Murphy: Nonbinary people or something, that were maybe assigned female at birth. You know, like "Cool." There's other people that like have different intersections here with being nonbinary. So, all that to say, I just, yeah, I remember being so fucking excited for you. And then I got so fucking excited for all the people. How many people, especially young people, probably saw that commercial and were like, "Oh my God, that's possible?!"

[00:34:56] Maze Felix: Yeah.

[00:34:57] Chris Angel Murphy: Like I - the whole time you were talking about the Target ad, I was just sitting here, like tearing up, and I was trying not to (laughs) so that I could like not have my voice crack and everything. But it's just like really emotional just to know that like not only were you able to do that for yourself and like younger you too. But yeah, just like everyone, you also affirmed being visible to. It's just like beautiful in so many ways.

[00:35:21] Maze Felix: It means so much to be able to have that experience coming from a life that I never got to live my life authentically. Having the mentors and friends and community live their lives authentically has helped me do that.

I only hope that, you know, I can help foster and provide safe spaces for other folks. Besides the Target commercial, there's been some other projects or just some other opportunities that I've been able to just share about my experiences.

There are a couple messages that have really stuck with me. Some folks have reached out to me personally on Instagram even, and there was this one person who had shared very vulnerably, that they shared so many identities with me being a queer, trans, nonbinary, AAPI transracial adoptee.

When I meet someone like that, it's - I mean, it feels like home when I meet someone like that. But they had shared that just seeing me, it almost feels unreal that like how I can even make a difference in someone's life by just being me. But at the same time, like it's reciprocated by them being them as well for myself.

Seeing me live my life online as someone who is queer, trans, nonbinary, who has had top surgery, who is on T, but I don't necessarily subscribe to the gender norms or the gender expression expectations - so like what I'm thinking about is actually my hair. Even with the target commercial, I wanted to cut my hair; but I didn't wanna cut it in a way where, the idea of being nonbinary means "you have to be androgynous, you have to have short hair."

I love short hair, don't get me wrong. Like I absolutely love rocking short hair. I wanna cut it soon again, but I'm always really careful and intentional on when I cut it short. Am I cutting it short because I want to cut it short and it's time for me to cut it short, or is it because I feel like I'm expected to cut it short in order to be accepted into what it means to be nonbinary.

[00:37:39] Chris Angel Murphy: Yeah.

[00:37:39] Maze Felix: And so receiving that message from that person saying, "Oh, there's literally another person who has long hair and who shares all the other identities as me." I just felt really, really grateful for that message. Like they were expressing how grateful they were for me, but I was so grateful for them because we often all feel so lonely in our experiences with hair - actually is such a big deal with my experience and with their experience too.

[00:38:09] Chris Angel Murphy: I just gotta say, I fucking love you. I adore you so much.

[00:38:13] Maze Felix: Aw, I love you too. You have no idea how much you mean to me in my life. I wish we could just go on and on about even how we met.

[00:38:23] Chris Angel Murphy: Yeah, well we can, we can talk about it a bit. I just, I don't wanna miss this moment to also to your face say like, yeah, I just, I love you so much and one of the things I love about you is you just have a way of seeing me and affirming me that I am not used to in many of my relationships. And I can tell that it's coming - it's like a direct line from your heart to mine. You know, I haven't talked to you in a while, so I'm like, "Oh my God, I can't handle this today. This is too much love." But like, don't turn it off. (both laugh)

But like, I'm just like, wait, I don't, I don't know how to process this right now. But having you in my life means a lot because you're a possibility model for friendships, you know, and just relationships in general as far as reminding me that I am worthy of love and support. I do deserve genuine connections and that that's what I'm seeking.

And so like the things you've said today are just - even earlier when you were talking about wanting to support me with the beach, before we went on the whole tangent about oceans. (laughs) Like it just, it means a lot and I know that I tend to thank you in the moments that you show up like this, but

[00:39:31] Maze Felix: Mm-hmm.

[00:39:31] Chris Angel Murphy: I also just wanna brag about you as a human right now, cause I just wish everyone could have someone like you in their corner and just get to know what that feels like and experience it and also just be able to offer it to others. It's just so special. Thank you; thank you for being that person for me, and yeah, just being such a beautiful human through and through.

[00:39:52] Maze Felix: Oh my gosh. Oh -

[00:39:53] Chris Angel Murphy: I needed to get that out. (laughs)

[00:39:55] Maze Felix: I was like, I didn't know, I was like, "Today I was not expecting me to cry." (both laugh)

[00:39:59] Chris Angel Murphy: That's what I'm saying - you and I both are just like, yeah. So thank you.

[00:40:03] Maze Felix: Yeah. I mean, it's not hard to love you Chris Angel.

[00:40:07] Chris Angel Murphy: Aw.

[00:40:08] Maze Felix: You are also a beautiful, brilliant, handsome, all the gender affirming terms, human being. I love how intentional you are with our friendship, and I think that's kind of a love language for me: intentionality. I love giving that, and I also love receiving it. So to be able to receive it and then with our friendship, and then our friend group that we have, with lovely, dear Zoa.

[00:40:36] Chris Angel Murphy: Mm-hmm.

[00:40:37] Maze Felix: I just, I love how our dynamic is, it's full of love. And we deeply, deeply care about one another and want each other to thrive, truly.

[00:40:48] Chris Angel Murphy: Hell yeah. And Zoa was on in the first season.

[00:40:53] Maze Felix: Yeah.

[00:40:53] Chris Angel Murphy: And Zoa needs to make a return. They already know this, we already talked about it, so we're sorting that out.

Do you wanna share the story of how we came to be?

[00:41:04] Maze Felix: Zoa and I actually connected on Instagram.

[00:41:07] Chris Angel Murphy: Same.

[00:41:07] Maze Felix: Yeah. And we started messaging just through texting, back and forth, through DMs. And then I had suggested, I was like, "Hey, I would love -" I, I'm a person, if I wanna intentionally connect with someone, it's a bit easier for me to use voice message, you know. I, I do, and I can text just with words, but since we lived in different states, I wanted to hear their voice. I have the privilege of being able to match their voice with their picture.

And so I asked, I was like, would you feel comfortable sharing this? And so we sent messages back to one another for a bit, and then they were like, "Hey, I actually have a really cool human that I would love to connect you with. And there's a couple of really cool humans; we've kind of started a community and I think everyone would get along. Would you be open to meeting virtually at the time? There were four of us. Would you like to meet?"

[00:42:07] Chris Angel Murphy: Mm-hmm.

[00:42:07] Maze Felix: "Altogether?" And I was like, "Absolutely." We were all in different states, different time zones. We were all seeking community, trying to - still, I think at least for myself, I I think forever, I'm always gonna be finding who I am in the present moment - but I really felt lost with like who I was and who I wanted to be.

Being able to connect with you all, even though I hadn't and still haven't met any of you in person, it just felt so organic when we met and it felt safe. We are now a group of three.

[00:42:46] Chris Angel Murphy: Mm-hmm.

[00:42:47] Maze Felix: But we've been scheduling every now and then, intentional calendar event FaceTime hangs. And that's also something that we'll have to schedule soon again, but we've been doing it for a couple years now.

[00:43:03] Chris Angel Murphy: Yeah. It's been such a beautiful thing that's come out of the pandemic for me, cause similar to you, Zoa and I had connected through Instagram.

For folks listening: Zoa currently uses she/they pronouns. Zoa's just been awesome and she and I were having the same conversations about how much we wanted to connect with others like us and that she had identified a few people, which obviously one of those people ended up being you. And I remember when we were finally like all messaging on Instagram and then I remember when we were like texting and, yeah, just like the FaceTimes and all that, and it's just like, it's just been one of the threads that's helped me, especially through the pandemic and especially through like all of the isolation and everything.

And like you said, just the four of us and then now the three of us coming together to carve out this intentional time and just be able to talk about things that we don't necessarily always feel comfortable talking about with other people. You know, there's a lot of sacred space we hold with each other; and like how we've been able to have our own separate relationships too.

Bragging about you again. Even thinking about when I first met you to where you are now; I'm just so fucking proud of you. I'm like tearing up thinking about it because like your growth has just been tremendous, like the - and you've just been growing more and more into yourself.

It's just been so beautiful to witness because yeah, when I think about, like your hikes, or when I think about the risks you took, you know, packing up and leaving Ohio to go to LA and make things happen, or just everything you've overcome and that you've navigated. Even, like, your poetry! You know, seeing you explore that and how you take up space with that; it's just been inspiring and also it's just, yeah, it's like seeing that queer and trans and nonbinary and gender fluid, et cetera, joy, you know. Like and all the different experiences you've allowed yourself. Yeah, your joy is amazing to witness.

[00:45:04] Maze Felix: Thank you. And yeah, again, like another shout out to Zoa because I mean, I wouldn't have either of you in my life. I wouldn't have you in my life if she hadn't connected us. And another thing that I love about all of us, but I know I recognize this all the time when we're talking, is that it's okay to not be okay. And sometimes, sometimes, we are all on the same page and we're like, "We're just not doing okay." And sometimes one or the other is not doing okay, and another person is having a great day, but that does not invalidate those other experiences.

[00:45:39] Chris Angel Murphy: Yes.

[00:45:39] Maze Felix: One thing that I love about my friendship with you, Chris Angel, is that - my favorite thing to do is to send memes and GIFs to one another on Instagram. That is another love language that we're all living our lives we're, we have meetings here and there. We're in different states, different time zones, but to just like receive or even share a GIF that reminds me of you or receive something from you, it sends the message of like, "Oh, my friend is thinking of me. Even if we aren't gonna chat for another month because it's not in the calendar for another month, I thought of them today and they thought of me." And that's how you still exist in my life every single day.

[00:46:22] Chris Angel Murphy: What's one allyship tip you'd like everyone listening to consider?

[00:46:27] Maze Felix: I think it's really important that we each have our own accountability system. That can look different for every person; but accountability, including myself and anyone with any identity accountability in a way where it's not virtue signaling or not performative.

[00:46:49] Chris Angel Murphy: Well, we've been on quite a journey. I've always had a hard time making the final edits for episodes, and this episode is no exception. There's a lot I had to leave out just because of time, but I hope that Maze's story has given you some more insight into our beautifully diverse community. I'll be including a link to an article they were quoted in, the Target ad that we talked about, and one of their recent poems they posted on Instagram.

Oh, and if you haven't watched the TDOV, Trans Day Visibility, special episode from last year, it features Maze and Zoa, along with my lovely friend Noel, who all did a panel with me. You can watch it on Spotify or YouTube. I'll include the links .

And maze I've already loved on you a bunch, so I'll say thank you. Thank you for showing up how you do every day, however that looks. Thank you for our friendship and for doing an episode and sending me such lovely memes and posts on Instagram. Thank you for being in our friend group and for all of the ways you love on me and Zoa.

And Zoa, if you end up listening to this episode, thank you for your friendship. Thank you for bringing us together, for helping to create the wonderful space we hold for each other on the regular and helping to normalize that it's okay to not be okay. I highly recommend following Zoa's Instagram account and listening to their episode in season one if you haven't already.

And before y'all go, I just wanna say that I have a lot of virtual public events coming up throughout the rest of the year, so be sure to sign up for my newsletter to hear about them. I also appreciate when you help to spread the word about them, and there's lots of different kinds of events coming up with different topics, so hopefully there will be something that interests you.

Be sure to sign up for my newsletter to hear about them every month, and I'll also be linking to my website so you can see what's coming up. Hope to see you at one of them really soon. Take care for now.

Visit AllyshipIsAVerb.com for any resources and a full transcript of the episode. And remember, sometimes allyship means having your own accountability system.